Downhill

As she walks out of the house she sees rain drizzling down but she still pulls the umbrella out and she still opens it. She turns in the corner and smells the scent of cigarettes, smoked and soon to be stomped on by Vietnamese men, who stand in the doorway of a convenient store and talk about their wives and how they want a better job or a better life. She continues to walk and sees stores that have closed for years, untouched by people for years, and possibly unthought of as well. Her hands grip the umbrella tighter and she finds a boy walk past her. It’s 7:39 in the morning, far too late to see any public school students joking around waiting for the bus. This boy probably was going to the train station. He was well dressed and had a hoodie on but his bag was opened and he walked with a swagger. He could be a good student if he had tried, but he walks with a face saying he’s tired with school. Or maybe it’s just the rain. Maybe it’s just the rain that made him feel this way - tired, exhausted even, to the point where he looked like his soul had been crushed but he continues to walk to school solely because his parents told him to and because he wants a brighter future. But he doesn’t know how to get a brighter future with that attitude of his. The train station appears in front of her and she inserts five dollars into the machine so she can get five dollars on her card. The train is packed and she can’t get a seat. All she wants to do is sit and not move a muscle. She finds herself at her stop soon and calls her friend to meet up with her, but sadly the friend hasn’t even gotten dressed yet and declines such an offer. She boards another train and actually takes a seat. She planned on thinking but in the end she slept only because she wanted to embrace nothingness a little longer. At school she watched a film on a corrupt government and a corrupt world, how stupid it is to want power even after you’ve gained enough power. And she attends classes but the thing is that she isn’t smart so she’s just sitting in classes. Her science project isn’t getting anywhere and so she sits to compare and contrast others in her head and think about a diet that she fails to do. She dreads to go to band at the end of the day because she is unneeded and unwanted. So she lies under the table and cries because she is worthless as she is aware that she is humiliating herself. She tries to sing because that is what the rest of the group is doing but the notes fade into tears. Her heart aches when she tries to speak and so she goes to consult with a student in the school of whom studies anatomy on her free time. She tells the student that it hurts and she wonders if she’s going to die any sooner. The much more composed girl tells her that she’s not going to die and that she should just calm down. Calm down? Take it easy? What sort of thing is that? She hasn’t relaxed in years, she’s always had a worry on her shoulder and even if it’s the smallest one that girl will over think the worry and it will cause a mess. And when the band teacher tells the group that she’s made chocolate cheesecake and asks members if they want any, she says no. She says no because she doesn’t deserve something like that. If she isn’t in use why should she get a stupid piece of cake? And she acts like she doesn’t know how to stand and sit next to her locker. What frustrates her is that she’s a mess. One of her only friends has been ignoring her and her projects are not getting anywhere. Her purpose of life was gone and now she is drained. She sits there only to consult with her tears. But finally, a new light approaches and it is her and it is her friend. The friend who stuck by her during her terrible moments but also was the cause of some terrible moments. He sits with her as his hands grip a fork and a paper plate of chocolate cheesecake with strawberry topping. She tries to ignore the figure before her but it’s almost impossible when they are consoling and hugging you. She cries some more but she doesn’t know why. She’s humiliating herself but she doesn’t know why. She’s a mess. This whole school year has been a complete mess. She goes to the car and lays down in the back seat, making sure her hair is in her face to hide her tears from her father. It seemed like it is all downhill from here. But she can’t tell the future.